Gifts I Would Never Get My Father

With Fathers Day coming up, I've been running into all sorts of Fathers Day gift ideas, including one titled, "11 Father's Day Gifts with Universal Appeal" on MSNBC.com. I thought to myself, "Yeah right. Not my dad." But I clicked anyways to see what exactly has universal appeal for men.

1. Beer Tender from Kraups Your very own beer dispenser. I've seen enough singing and dancing from him that he does not need to loosen up any more than he already does at a family party.

2. Bacon Flavored Vodka "Goes great with brunch!" Well, 0 for 2 MSNBC.

3. Adjustable BYOB Sandals from Reef This is a sandal that has a bottle opener in the sole. I'll be sure to get these for him so he can open his bacon flavored vodka at brunch. Can we see something that doesn't have to do with alcohol? 0 for 3.

4. Slingbox Slingbox lets you stream live TV to your mobile phone from your home cable box. This is so-so. Plus, he sits with the TV on mute listening to a book on iTunes, not even really looking at the TV (You'd think he'd just turn the TV off.) So, TV let alone TV on the cellphone that only works inside the house is pointless.

5. Workout Music No offense to my dad, but never in a million years. I'll let is next book on iTunes get him pumped up for his next walk.

6. Books for the Man Shelf These are "man power" books. I don't think he reads man power books and seeing them on his bookshelf wouldn't "evoke a sense of pride like a stone lion guarding a castle." Thank you for the metaphor MSNBC. Those stone lions are quite intimidating.

7. Chef's knife by Food Network's Guy Fieri Well, he can't exactly use as a back scratcher, or any other kind of scratcher.

8. Professional-Grade Barbecue Beeper from Weber "Like a baby monitor for your dinner." I think my mom dishing up when it's ready has been working out really well for him. That baby monitor has been working for 28 years!

9. Straight Razor I had to Wikipedia this one. " Straight razors require considerable skill to hone and strop, and require more care during shaving." We had better stick with the safety razors.

10. Military-quality marching compass My dad is not marching anywhere he needs a military quality compass for. How about a GPS for the car?

11. Diaper Bag from Diaper Dude "Dad's love dragons... Diaper Dudes Diaper Bags look manly... Also an apparent favorite of Brad Pitt!" I'll get him this one to use as a carry on for his next trip. Just for the manly-dragon lover-Brad Pitt wannabe I know he is.

I love you dad, but thanks to the uninspiring gift ideas, you are getting a card for Fathers Day.